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thank you

24 january 2025

when the clock struck midnight on new year's, just a couple weeks before i started this site, i made a special post over on bluesky, a collage featuring hydrox and some of my friends' characters, all gathered around the big bold words: THANK YOU. i didn't have the words to convey what i wanted to at the time, exactly why i felt so thankful as we turned the collective page, and i've been sitting on an improved version of the art while i tried (and often failed) to gather my thoughts. but i think i've figured out what i want to say.

2024 was the hardest year of my life.

my optimism was cautious from the start, as i'd been living with chronic illness for several months and knew i was likely in for another year of unwelcome surprises. while my assumptions were correct, the biggest shock to me came from the place i'd least expected it… a year ago today, i discovered that my long-term partner had been cheating on me. we'd been close friends for a long time, spent nearlt every day together for years and had each other's through some of the hardest times and greatest days of our lives. when we first got together, they promised me i'd never have to worry about that kind of betrayal again, and yet i found myself reliving it at the hands of the person who'd earned the most of my trust. my ex found someone new to love in the weeks that followed, someone i once considered a friend, who had seen it all happen in real time and still chose to give them a chance. and in the months that followed, i saw them go viral a couple times in spite of my best efforts to avoid them.

being cast aside by some of the people i was once closest to, and seeing them seeminly rewarded for what they had done, exacerbated my deepest insecurities. i felt powerless, unloveable, and crushingly alone. the weight of all i'd been struggling with, and the trials that would come my way as the year went on, was all the more crushing with my heart in shambles. but in spite of everything, a lot of people stuck around. even on the day it all fell apart… i was a mess, sure, but i someone stay up to comfort me through the night and woke up to a tin of fresh-baked cookies from another good friend of mine. i got to attend my first conventions, meet up with old friends and make some new ones, get a glimpse into a world i never could've imagined before i stepped through those hotel doors. i've been invited into so many wonderful new spaces, made even more connections with some really amazing people, and had the honor of welcoming others into my own communities. i can't help this feeling that in spite of everything i've lost, i gained something a lot more important in the end… i can't thank you all enough for giving me that new hope.

i'm still pretty scared, don't get me wrong. i haven't fully healed from that blow and i'm still not sure that i will. i hardly remember what love is supposed to feel like, not in the form i once thought i had it. it feels like a tall order in such an uncertain time, but especially knowing that the people who hurt me got theirs, i want my happy ending back. i can at least say i'm kind of looking forward to the journey this year will bring, and that's a feeling i didn't expect. the company i'm in for whatever comes next, i wouldn't trade it for anything! and i doubt this site would even exist if i didn't have so much to be grateful for, so if you're reading this at all, i hope you know i'm genuinely glad you came along for the ride. ♥

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would you believe i only got around to drawing a small fraction of the people i wanted to include in this art? there really were a lot of people by my side last year and i wish i had the time to properly represent them all! maybe next year i'll get to everyone if i give myself enough prep time, haha. don't count on that okay? this was a lot of work and i'm honestly surprised i got so much of it done!

anyhow, i'm posting a bunch of "year in review" stuff, including unfinished and unreleased art from 2024, for the occasion… but given the art page is unfinished as of the time of writing and it all feels kind of tangential to this post, i'll be posting it elsewhere for now. if i upload the content here and remember to come back around to this post, i'll update it with the relevant link(s).